Mommy FAIL

I was born permanently feeling guilty. If I pass a bum and realize I have no change, I feel guilty. If I don't have the house spotless and in order, I feel guilty. If I don't do everything everyone wants 100% of the time, I feel guilty. You get the idea. This is why being a mom, for me, is so hard. Not because I am never alone, get no sleep or have lost my once awesome figure, (although that last one depresses me.) No, I don't mind sleepless nights, or having my boys always with me. I love being around them, teaching them and snuggling them. But, I always always ALWAYS feel bad about something when it comes to being a parent. Every day, I do something that makes me hate myself. Hate is a strong word. It makes me super duper ticked at myself. Whether it's losing my temper and raising my voice a little higher than I would like, or accidentally knocking over Finn so he goes crashing down and knocks his head on a hard floor, (yes, that happened today and it's what spurred this post, as a matter of fact), I always feel like I have failed them. Here is a quick back story.

Today, I took D to the doctor for his Hep B shot. He didn't get it at his 4 month well check because he was already having 4 and his doc won't subject the babies to more than that at one time. I usually try to have my friend watch Finn during D's appointments because they can take awhile, and I want to hear everything the doc has to say without also trying to wrangle a high energy, busy little man. But, I thought, "we will be in and out so it will be fine." Negative. We waited in the waiting room for an hour and a half as Finn first tried to talk and kiss every human in the room and then, as I tried to hold him in my lap, proceeded to scream bloody murder and arch his back gymnast style. The annoyed sighs and death glares were palpable. Then, once we got into the immunization room, he proceeded to touch everything, scream when I tried to sit him in the chair and, for the cherry on top, TURN THE LIGHTS OUT RIGHT AS THE NURSE IS STICKING THE NEEDLE IN D'S LEG. As I rush to turn the light back on, I simultaneously grab Finns' arm to move him. He rips his arm away with such force and then trips on my foot, falling backwards and audibly cracking his head on the hard floor. I am so flustered and still have to grab D, put his pants on, get him in his car seat and leave, while the nurse glares at me like, since I was visibly flustered and mad, I intentionally knocked my kids' head into the floor. I just wanted to leave asap so I get D situated, (oddly all the commotion prevented him from even crying from the shot), grabbed Finn and practically ran in my annoying three inch heels, holding a 35 lb toddler, an awkward carseat with an 18lb baby, and a diaper bag.

I tell you this story, not only because it's cathartic, but because the whole way home, I cried and internally beat myself the whole way home. Why didn't I control him better? Does that nurse think I'm the worst mother on the planet? How come other moms always have it together, even with multiple children? I have made so many mistakes with Finn, (Dietrich is still too young for me to do any damage...yet. lol) I love them with everything I am; I thank God every day that I get to be their mother. Yet, I hold myself up to this impossible standard. Not only have others told me it's impossible; I myself know it is. And yet, I can't stop thinking, I can do better. A good mother wouldn't make that mistake. You've been a mother for over two years now. You have two children. Will I ever get it right? I know the answer is no. I know I will make mistakes today, tomorrow, when they're 30...but, I will beat myself up every time I do. Every time. I have gotten over my fun adventure at the Drs. office now, but I know soon it will be something else. It's only a matter of time. My only hope is that the boys know I would die for them, and will forever try to be the perfect mother for them.